A Piece of Me Died Today…

I struggle with life and death on a daily basis, but maybe not in the sense you may think. I am a battler of depression and have been since my teenage years. I find it hard to maintain an even keel  these days, but yet I lay down and I go to sleep and wake up the next day, being  thankful  for the rest and the life of the new day, knowing that a piece of me will die today.

One of the passages of scripture that guides and helps me live within my struggles is 1Corinthians 12:25-27 -(referring to the body of Christ, which is the community of the Church)

…that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another.  If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

As you can see, its members care for one another, they not only rejoice, but also suffer together, lessening both the burden of suffering and mellowing the joy of rejoicing, bringing us back to a more even keel, a more solid ground, a place of enduring peace.

A piece of me died today, but that is no grave concern of mine, my concern lies more deeply with the soul of the other within whom a piece of them has also died. Being faithful Presence for them and sharing in their suffering so that I can  also share in their joy and just maybe share with them peace as well. Oh divine law of reciprocity the wonders you do work in the life of mankind, Father breathe into us your life-giving Spirit.

For not only has a piece of me died, but so also has a piece of my brother died as well.

And also in our dying to self, oh giver of life, you promise to breathe in us the Spirit that gives each of us life, life that not only draws us closer to you for today but also for all eternity.

A piece of me died today and I am thankful.

Being Restored

I have sought through the years for both understanding and forgiveness.
Then I woke one morning and realized that both were already mine.

I searched and sought after a place to go and realized that I was already there.

Through tears though, sometimes my eyes were blinded.
Through those same tears though, things were also washed clean.
I see things more clearly now than I ever have before.

Those tears I shed, I have come to realize, were yours, and through those tears I have gently been restored.

In the end comes restoration, something we are both meant to do.

Each day I know this process starts anew.

A Place Called Somber

Somber:  solemn, grave, serious, toned-down, subdued.

These words are all synonyms that I found for the word “somber” when I looked it up in the thesaurus, their were some others that indicated a much more intense meaning, but this subdued list will work for my purposes here.

The line between despair and hope is a very thin and fragile line for me.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

Psalm 42:5 & 11 and 43:5

 

Some days I have a really hard time responding to the question posed in this verse, at least in the same way that the psalmist does here. I think that is easy for you (the psalmist) to say, but honestly some days I am just not there, because on many days I find myself on the despair side of that thin, fragile line between despair and hope. Sure I have many days where I am on the hope side of that line as well. My problem lies though in the fact that I indeed spend all or most of my time on one side of that line or the other. Either in a state of despair or a state of hope, the lows of despair can drag me down into a state of utter depression and the highs of hope can to a state of extreme joy. While some may say that is just the way life works, it really does not “work” that well for me at all, these dramatic swings wear me out physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am left so tired that there are days when I can barely function, so I either work at staying in a  state, of despair or hope, because the swing in the other direction in tearing me apart. When I am sad I battle with the idea of staying sad, saying it is just so much easier to stay here than to deal with the extreme swing into hope and joy. On the opposite side, once I am experiencing that state of hope and joy, I almost immediately try to quench it or put it out so that it does not become too high, so that my fall will not be too hard.

So I work really hard at staying on that thin, fragile line between despair and hope, for me it has become a place called somber, a place without highs or lows where I find myself more at peace, more able to cope from moment to moment, from day to day.

Because I know that there will inevitably be times where those swings which cause me so much pain will happen, for that is life. But if  today I seem to be a bit somber to you, know that I am at home, in my place called somber and there I am at peace.