Being Restored

I have sought through the years for both understanding and forgiveness.
Then I woke one morning and realized that both were already mine.

I searched and sought after a place to go and realized that I was already there.

Through tears though, sometimes my eyes were blinded.
Through those same tears though, things were also washed clean.
I see things more clearly now than I ever have before.

Those tears I shed, I have come to realize, were yours, and through those tears I have gently been restored.

In the end comes restoration, something we are both meant to do.

Each day I know this process starts anew.

A Place Called Somber

Somber:  solemn, grave, serious, toned-down, subdued.

These words are all synonyms that I found for the word “somber” when I looked it up in the thesaurus, their were some others that indicated a much more intense meaning, but this subdued list will work for my purposes here.

The line between despair and hope is a very thin and fragile line for me.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

Psalm 42:5 & 11 and 43:5

 

Some days I have a really hard time responding to the question posed in this verse, at least in the same way that the psalmist does here. I think that is easy for you (the psalmist) to say, but honestly some days I am just not there, because on many days I find myself on the despair side of that thin, fragile line between despair and hope. Sure I have many days where I am on the hope side of that line as well. My problem lies though in the fact that I indeed spend all or most of my time on one side of that line or the other. Either in a state of despair or a state of hope, the lows of despair can drag me down into a state of utter depression and the highs of hope can to a state of extreme joy. While some may say that is just the way life works, it really does not “work” that well for me at all, these dramatic swings wear me out physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am left so tired that there are days when I can barely function, so I either work at staying in a  state, of despair or hope, because the swing in the other direction in tearing me apart. When I am sad I battle with the idea of staying sad, saying it is just so much easier to stay here than to deal with the extreme swing into hope and joy. On the opposite side, once I am experiencing that state of hope and joy, I almost immediately try to quench it or put it out so that it does not become too high, so that my fall will not be too hard.

So I work really hard at staying on that thin, fragile line between despair and hope, for me it has become a place called somber, a place without highs or lows where I find myself more at peace, more able to cope from moment to moment, from day to day.

Because I know that there will inevitably be times where those swings which cause me so much pain will happen, for that is life. But if  today I seem to be a bit somber to you, know that I am at home, in my place called somber and there I am at peace.

I looked into her eyes

Do you remember the day that you looked into the eyes of your bride and told her that you would love her forever? After 32 years, I still look into the eyes of my bride and remember that promise, along the way though I have seen a number of different looks in her eyes as she has looked back at me; I have seen anger, and joy, heartache and sorrow, pain and pleasure, wonder and puzzlement, yes even disappointment and despair, sometimes those looks were fleeting and sometimes they seemed to linger much longer than I would have liked. The good I wanted to linger and the bad I hoped would be fleeting. The look that I remember most though is the one from March 15th, 1980. It is the lens through which all the other looks are seen, when I look into her eyes today I still see those eyes that I saw then and I remember the promise that I made to her that day; to love her forever and I do and I will.